This week for your response homework, I would like for you to post your thesis statement and the three body paragraph topic sentences. Please make sure they are labeled so that readers of your post clearly understand which is which. Also, include any struggles or difficulties you're having so that readers can comment back to you with suggestions to help you.
This week for your comment homework, I would like you to offer suggestions to the person that you're commenting back to that will improve their work. This might be revisions or edits to their thesis and/or topic sentences, or maybe your suggestions address the problems the person said she/he is having. Or both.
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Thesis: Being permitted to use cell phones in school would benefit students, teachers, and parents.
ReplyDelete3 Body Paragraph Topics:
1. Teachers phones are always out and ringing.
2. Students finish work quickly and get bored easily.
3. Your parent(s) might need to contact you.
The thing I am struggling with is I am not sure if my 3 body paragraph topics strongly represent my thesis statement. Can anyone help me?
If you think it is or isn't please let me know and let me know if there is a way to make it better.
-Amanda Baron
3 Body Paragraph Topics:
ReplyDelete1.Hobo's need help.
2.How to help hobo's live a better life.
3.How hobo's became homeless.
Thesis:To help hobos get food, water, and shelter.
I am having a hard time with explaining my second body paragraph. Can someone give me ideas on how to do so?
-Amanda
ReplyDeleteI think your second pragraph should explain more about the reasons against cell phones and why you dont like those rules.
Thesis: The citizens of New York are waiting for the Yankees to win the World Series.
ReplyDelete3 Body Paragraph Topics:
1. The Yankees have won 26 World Series.
2. The best players on the team.
3. Joe Giradi is doing a great job coaching.
Be careful - some of you are posting your body paragraph topics or the point of your essay. I want to see the body paragraph topic SENTENCES and FULL THESIS STATEMENT. Make sure you have complete sentences for each!
ReplyDeleteThesis: Bullying being stopped would improve the lives of the kids being bullied, their parents and the bullies.
ReplyDelete3 topic sentences
1.Kids are getting hurt in a place that is meant to be safe.
2.Parents are worried about their kids.
3.Bullies would learn to solve their anger in other ways instead of taking it out on someone else.
One thing im haing trouble with is making my thesis shorter but still keeping all my reasons in the sentence.
My new post with the topic sentences.
ReplyDeleteThesis: Bullying being stopped would improve the lives of the kids being bullied, their parents, and the bullies themselves.
3 body paragraph topic (im not sure of this is what u want):
1. Bullying being stopped would improve the lives of the kids being bullied in a few ways.
2. Parents of the kids being bullied would also benefit from bullying being stopped.
3. The bullies themselves would benefit from this as well.
One thing im having trouble with is making my thesis shorter but keeping evrything I want in there to stay in there. Can anyone help me?
-Danny
ReplyDeleteTry explainig how all of the people in the world can help to make the lives of hobo's better, for example, someone starting an orgnization that helps hobo's live better and try to get people to donate to that organization.
Thesis- 5 minues between classes would help students and teachers and benefit the educational process.
ReplyDelete1. Five minutes between classes would help releive the stress of the school day for students and give them time to take care of personal business.
2. It would benefit teachers too and would make their job easier.
3. Besides benefiting students and teachers, 5 minutes between classes would benefit the whole educational process.
I need another reason why 5 minutes between classes would help teachers because some of My reasons in my 2nd and 3rd paragraph are kind of simalar. Can anyone give me some ideas?
Amanda, I understand that the fact that cell phones help students not to be bored isn't really "benefiting" them, but your other paragraphs support and represent the thesis Maybe for the 2nd paragraph you could try something like
ReplyDeleteIts a way for students to communicate with each other without being loud and disturbing people who are still working.
In America people are aloud to have a free education. Is it time to question that everyone can get a free education or not? A free education would be good for homeless people, for kids and it will be better for adults
ReplyDeleteCassie I disagree with you I think that some people was waiting for the Phillies to win. I also do not think that everyone will agree with you because people in philadelphia might of been waiting for the Phillies to win and other people might of not wanted the Yankees to win because they might of wanted another to to win.
ReplyDeleteThesis: I think people should not smoke.
ReplyDelete1. Smoking is bad for your health and could eventualy lead to death
2. Second hand smoke can harm others.
3. You waste alot of money when you smoke.
4?: Smoking polutes the air and is bad for the enviorment.
I need help with coming up with 3 supporting details for body paragraph 2. I added body paragraph 4 to see if that would be a stronger statement. Which one would sound better in my essay?
Thesis: A four day school week would be better for teachers, students, and parents.
ReplyDelete3 Body Paragraph Topics:
1. More time to sleep in.
2. Time to catch up on school work/home work.
3. An extra day off.
I agree with Danny too, I think you should explain more about why you dont like the rules against cell phones in school.
ReplyDeleteThesis: All over America kids are givin homework daily.
ReplyDelete3 Body Paragraphs
1. Homework should be discontinued.
2. Could no homework affect grades.
3. Homework could benifit all people.
Thesis: No homework could be the start of a new ciriculem.
Danny , maybe instead of "How to help hobo's live a better life" you could put...How can we get budjets to extend homeless shelters and food banks for the homeless
ReplyDeleteThesis statement: If less people were permitted inside an amusement park it would be beneficial for the visitors, the profit of the amusement park, and the condition of the park.
ReplyDelete3 Body paragraphs topic sentences:
1. If less people were permitted inside an amusement it would be better for the park's visitors.
2. The profit of the amusement park would increase if less people were permitted inside on a daily basis.
3. The condition of the park would improve with less people permitted inside daily.
I am struggling with the proper wording for my thesis and body paragraphs. I know in my head what I want to say but it looks wrong when I write it on paper. How could I reword these sentences so that they are more effective?
Amanda, I don't think your topic sentences strongly represent your thesis. Your topic sentences are all details that could fall into a body paragraph, but aren’t topic sentences. The exception is the line, “teacher’s phones are always out and ringing” because this isn’t beneficial to teachers, students, or parents.
ReplyDeleteOne way you could make this better is by just simply introducing what the paragraph is talking about. Since your thesis ends with “… it would benefit students, teachers, and parents”, your topic sentences could be:
Allowing cell phones in school would benefit students. You could use this sentence structure for the next two topic sentences. Then you can add your supporting details into these paragraphs. I hope this helps.
My Thesis statement is: Everyone should go on vacation.
ReplyDeleteBody paragraph 1: During a vacation, you can see the world.
Topic sentences, A. There are lots of places to visit. B. You will meet new people. C. Vacationing gives you a lot of freetime.
Body paragraph 2: On a vacation you will discover.
Topic sentences, you will discover new A.Foods. B. Languages. C. Ways of life.
Body paragraph 3: You can have a lot of fun.
Topic sentences, A. see the wildlife around you. B. Relaxing is a good option. C. There are always many activities to join.
-Owen O'Neill
Cassie, you wrote that, " The best players on the team." but, who are the best players? A-Rod, CC Sabathia, Hadeki Matsui? it could be anyone, you should try to be a little more specific. And don't forget that the Yankees just won the World Series
ReplyDelete-Owen O'Neill
My thesis is: No one should come to school sick.
ReplyDelete3 Body Paragraph Topics:
1. More time in school.
2. Germs wouldn't spread as much.
3. No one can afford to go to the doctors all the time.
I am having a hard time in my third body paragraph, can anyone give me an idea to make it stronger like my other paragraphs.
I have a way to make your last sentence in your thesis better if you don't like it or are unhappy with it. I learned this in Science, do if and then, like if no one came to school sick students would have more time in school, fewer germs would spread, and parents wouldn't spent so much money taking childrean to the doctors. Hopefully this helps people finish thier introduction and be happy with it, hopefully you can help me with my third paragraph.
-SAMANTHA CARTER-
Thesis-I cant stand having homework
ReplyDeletebody paragraphs
1 .Kids have after school activities.
2.Parents need help aroud the house.
3.Teachers wont need to waste time
what I am having trouble with is to stay on my mini-theisis topic.By this i mean trying not to change the toic while i am writting every body paragraph
I am commenting on Amanda Barons responce. Amanda, I like your thesis and your first and third body topics, but I think that your second body topic isn't as strong as your other, and I think it would be harder to start your second paragraph because it doesn't seam as strong. I think if you think about your thesis and why you really think strongly about your topic I think you will find a better second topic. I also think that if your just free write about your topic, and put the ideas of what you free wrote about the topic in your first and third paragraphs you will come up with another reason why cell phones should be aloud in school. You should come up ith a really stronger topic for your second body paragraph.
ReplyDelete-SAMANTHA CARTER-
Amanda I think that you should try to change your body paragraphs a little so it benifits the people you said (parents,teachers,students)because to me it looks like it benifits students more than anyone else.
ReplyDeleteThesis-No homework would benefit all students,teachers and parents.
ReplyDelete1.No homework would help us by giving us more time to our selves.
2.No homework would help teachers so they don't have to make more work.
3.It would help parents by not having to help us.
Thesis sentence: No one should do mental or physical abuse and you should try to do anything in your power to prevent abuse.
ReplyDeleteTopic sentences:
1. One type of animal abuse is mental abuse.
2. Another type of animal abuse is physical
abuse.
3. What can you do to stop animal abuse?
thesis-a 9 am school start time would help teachers,students and parents.
ReplyDeletetopic sentence 1-A 9 AM SCHOOL START TIME WOULD BE BETTER FOR TEACHERS.
TOPIC SENTENCE 2-A 9 AM SCHOOL START WOULD BE BETTER FOR STUDENCE.
TOPIC SENTECNCE 3-A 9 AM SCHOOL START WOULD BE BETTER FOR PARENTS.
Thesis;If the government payed for college this would benefit students, parents,and society.
ReplyDelete1.One reason why the government should pay for college is because it would benefit the students.
2. Another reason why the government should pay for college is because it would benefit parents.
3.The last reason why the government should pay for college is because it would benefit the society.
A same ammount of summer as school would be good for students,parents and tachers.
ReplyDeleteTS1.A longer summer would be better for students.
TS2. A longer summer would be better for parents.
TS3. A longer summer would be better for teachers.
Michaela I also think that more time in between classes will help students prepare better and teachers prepare for the class.
ReplyDeletetodd i think u should say why u think we should have no home work.instead of home work could benifit all students.
ReplyDeleteDanny I think you should give more pisific thing like why hobo's should have a better life like they should be able to live like other people.Naby that will help you.
ReplyDeleteThesis: Myspace should be for all ages. 1.Myspace should be for all ages because kids would still give the wrong age verifacation so if they knew they could put there age there would be more kids applying for myspace so myspace would be a teen website. 2.Parents should get an alert everytime there kids logged in to myspace and then know who there kid is talking too. 3.Also parents should now when there kid is trying to say something inappropriate.
ReplyDeleteTodd no homework can effect your grade because then they can't see that you know what you are learning.What type of people can no homework benefit.
ReplyDeleteTodd Brewer
Jessica Cheatom
-Danny
ReplyDeleteYour topics need to be changed into full sentences. I don't think hobos need help, how to help hobos live a better life and how hobos became homeless will be good topic sentences.
just adding on to my other one todd by saying we shoould not have home work give examples like we should not have home work cause we dont have time to do it and doesnt fit in like in ur other blog u did explaning why we should not have home work another one would be we learn enough in school so we should not have home work.kk
ReplyDeleteThesis: Women that are pregnant should not be in jail.
ReplyDelete3 Topic sentences:
1. It is unsanitary for the babies.
2.babies would be tooken away from babies at a certain age.
3.women wont get proper amount of food to nurish babies bodies.
One thing i'm having trouble with is my transitional sentences.
Im commenting on Payton's entry because I believe that there should be a four day week because it would give kids more time to rest.Also it would be good for teachers because they can spend time with there kids.Last it would be good for parents because they could spend more time with there kids.
ReplyDeleteOne way i think Payton can make it better is by saying what day's do you wnat off in the school week and that she should explain why she wants time to sleep.
ReplyDeleteadd
jessica
thesis: Society should end discrimination because it is bad for people who are disciminated against,people causing discrimation and people that observe discrimination.
ReplyDeleteTS: Discrimination is bad for the people who are gettig discriminated against.
TS: Disciminationis bad for the people who are causing discimination.
TS: Discrimination is bad for the people that observed disrimination.
I need help on some strong suporting details for my outline.
Danny,one way you could help them live a better life is by creating food and clothing drives. Maybe build better shelters and have more people looking out for the hobos on the street.
ReplyDeleteFor Elise i have some ideas for you second body paragraph. one thing you could write about is second hand smoke.second hand smoke is bad for kids who are asthmatic and cant be around cigarette smoke.
ReplyDeleteanother thing you could right about is like the hot ashes from a cigarette. it could fall on someone or something. i dont havce anything else.
Thesis: People should not try to say video games are not good for you.
ReplyDelete3 Topic Sentences: Video games are good for young children. Video games are good for older students. Video games are good for adults.
I am having a little trouble with my conclusion.
-Cassie
ReplyDeleteI think that you should write about something more current.
Owen I know the Yankees won the World Series but, I wrote this before they had won. So I am doing my essay before they had won.
ReplyDeleteNoah I disagree with you because then the amusant park manager would have to let less people in and they would lose money. Also that is a good way for the visitors because they can get on all the rides without waiting for an hour.
Thesis Statement:
ReplyDeleteWe should focus on cleaning up brown fields and liter in our communities.
Body Paragraphs:
A- Children will grow up in a cleaner environment.
B- Adults will be proud of their community.
C- The earth will be a healthier place for all humans, animals and plants to live.
-Kim Guthrie
Michaela,
ReplyDeleteI like your idea of more minutes between classes. Maybe you could say something like more time between classes would be ideal for teachers so they can have time to copy things and run other errands or you could write that they would have more time to set up lesson plans, experiments and they could talk to students after class without having to write then a pass.
-Kim Guthrie
My thesis for my essay is: Having more than three minutes between classes would be ideal for teachers and students. But with everyone trying to get to their class on time, is also dangerous.
ReplyDelete1. Having more time between classes is good for teachers.
2. Having more time between classes is good for students.
3. With everyone trying to get to class on time, it can be dangerous.
For the first and second body paragraph topics I am not really sure if they are cosidered the same things and if I should make them into one body paragraph topic. Can you help me?
Elise, maybe one supporting detail could be, if there is a family member who lives with you and smokes in the house it is easy to harm others.
ReplyDeleteMy thesis is being able to use cell phones in school would be more fair for students, we would be able to take out our phones, and it also would be ideal for parents.
ReplyDelete1.Being able to use your phone in school would be more fair for students.
2.Being able to use your phone durring times when you dont have work to do.
3.Having phones in school would be ideal for parents also.
If anybody thinks I can inprove on this please coment. I think I need a little help with my second thesis.
-Heather O'Connor.
Michaela I just want to let you know in your first thesis that you should just just write, Five minutes between classes would help releive stress. My advice would be to not add the other details in your thesis but they would be great to add in your paragraph.
ReplyDeleteAnd for help on how it benifits teachers I would say teachers would get time to do little things like photo coppy papers, or get a drink.
I hopes this help you out !
-Heather O'Connor
Topic: The world should recycle.
ReplyDelete1. We should recycle because we love the earth.
2. We should recycle so the generation after us has a generation after them.
3. We should recycle so the planet lives longer than it is expected to.
One thing that I think I need to improve on my writing is that I say the same thing over again. Like in my first outline I said, we should recycle because we love the world, and that was pretty much it. If anyone has any ideas for me just shout it out.
Matt, for your topic sentence you can just write “bulling will help the world” or something just like that. Maybe like Elise did. this was my comment. For my topic sentence I meant to write : Topic: Recycling will help people, our next generation, and the world.
ReplyDeleteThesis: Kids should get bodyguards and maids.
ReplyDelete1.Kids won't be kidnapped by kidnappers.
2.It will take off stress from parents worrying their children.
3.Gets their rooms clean and the house being neat.
One thing that I am having trouble is that I am not very sure what to write for my conclusion. I am also having trouble with getting the right words for each sentence. For example, I was working on my conclusion and I didn't know what word will it the best and thats what I have trouble in my writing.
Tristin, I am totally agreeing with you about the "No Homework" idea. And I think that what you said that it will benefit all children, teacher, and parents I agree with that too. I suggest you that you should change the last paragraph into saying (Parents doesn't have to chase you all around just for asking "have you done your homework yet?")
ReplyDeleteThesis: Lower prices would benefit the makers, dealers, and tracks.
ReplyDelete3 body paragraphs
1. Dealers are making to much profit
2. makers would sell more bikes
3. tracks would have more customers (riders)
The thing im struggling with is my thesis.
Thesis: School should start later.
ReplyDeleteMy 3 topic sentances are:
1. School starting later would benefit students alot.
2. School starting later would also benefit parents.
3. School starting later would open many beneficial oppertunities for teachers.
I am having trouble thinking of stuff for parents. In truth I only thought of 2 letters during the outline.
Todd,
ReplyDeleteI think no homework would effect grades because if we don't go home and practice what we learned in school we might forget it
Danny, I think your thesis is pretty good. I think I understand what your getting at but I think you should reword it a little bit. Instead of"To help hobos get food, water, and shelter." I think you should use something along the lines of "People around the world should provide food, water and shelter to hobos and people less fortunate."
ReplyDeleteThesis:Students should behave in school.
ReplyDeleteTopic Sentences:
1. Helps the teachers.
2.People will respect you more.
3.You will get a good education.
I have been strugling with knowing if my essay sounds right. So I keep reading my essay over and over. I have also been strugling with my introduction if it makes sense.
-Mychala Conti(:
Dorothy T. I really liked your thesis. I wish we had more than 3 minutes to get to class and it would help teachers and students.Teachers could have a longer time to rest intill the next class comes in and students could take their time geting to class instead of just rushing.
ReplyDelete-Mychala Conti(:
My thesis is that parents should stop telling kids what to do.
ReplyDelete1. Parents should stop telling kids what to do so we would be able to have more free time.
2. We would feel less stress.
3. We would have more time to do homework and catch up on our school work.
These three topic sentences of mine are all I can think of right now, I'm not sure if they are good enough. If you have any suggestions please comment.
Elise I like your second body paragraph better than your fourth body paragraph because I think that would sound better in your essay. I think that you should write that if you smoke around other people they will suffer from the smell of it and that second hand smoke is as dangerous as smoking. Maybe that would help you.
ReplyDeletethesis- people should help the environment.
ReplyDelete1.It planet look cleaner and pretty.
2. It would help everyone get more oxygen because they are cutting down trees.
3.The animals have somewhere to live and somethings to eat.
one thing i'm worried about is if I attacked a to big topic or if I should of went with a smaller topic for example- a longer bell period.
Kaity- you maybe want to add that recycling would help poor people to get more money because of the % cent money when you put it in the bottle can eater. I don't think that your really repeating things over and over again.
ReplyDelete-Julia spanburgh<3
Elise-I agree with you 100%; but it's kind of hard to stop smoking after you start, and everyone has to admit that that's sad. like I said, I fully agree that people shouldn't smoke-It hurts everything!!! ^^;
ReplyDelete-Emily Green
I haven't commented in a while(Like anyone cares)
ReplyDeleteI chose this topic because I don't trust certain people with animals, and because I couldn't think of a better topic(No one CA-ARES,Stop talking,self...)
Topic: People should NOT domesticate venomous animals.
TS 1-We should not domesticate venomous animals because people treat them badly
TS 2-We question why they're illegal?!
TS 3-Do some people really deserve these animals?!
I need help-as you can see- with everything!!!!
Peace forever;Stay off of Facebook!!!!
-Emily Green X Artemis Luna
My topic for my personal essay is waking up later for school.
ReplyDelete1. It would help students focus and learn more
2. It would help parents help students prepare better for school
3. It was help teachers teach more better.
One thing i strugle with is going into my next paragragh i have a dificult time with the senteces leading into the next paragraph.
Payton, i think in your thesis sentences you should include who is would help. But i agree with your topic.
ReplyDeleteThesis: A 14 day Christmas vacation would be ideal for many people.
ReplyDeleteTopic Sentences:
1.)A longer Christmas vacation would benifit kids for a few reasons.
2.)Parents would also benifit to a longer Christmas vacation.
3.)Teachers would also like the idea of a longer winter break.
One thnig that I get really stumped on is making a topic sentence.
Varrita,
ReplyDeleteI like your topic sentences, they're really good.But it might be good if, for your 2-3 topic sentences, if you didnt write "we".
Maria Anderson
Thesis: We should have more than 3 minutes at our lockers.
ReplyDeleteParagraph 1: Having more time at lockers would reduce stress for students.
Paragraph 2: Having more time at lockers would reduce for techers.
Paragraph 3: Having more time at lockers would reduce stress for security guards.
The only difficult thing I have is coming up with differant paragraph starters instead of repeating what I started with my other paragraphs.
Thesis:It would be good for kids, aduldts and animals that humans stop litering thier garabage.
ReplyDelete1. It will be good for kids because we will be able to play in a cleaner environment.
2. Even though adults are the main people that liter, the other ones that don't are affected by this to.
3. Animals are probably most affected by our uncaring acts of litering.
The hardest part of writing this essay for me was writing the transition sentence into the conclusion.
thesis-cell phone uses she be aloud in school
ReplyDelete3 topics-many students use cell phones,its not fair how teachers cell phones go off,if your cell phone is in your pocket it shouldnt be taken.
amanda, i like how youhh used cell phones like me and also like the way you wrote your thesis.(;
ReplyDeleteThesis - Kids shouldn't chew with their mouth open.
ReplyDeleteBody Paragraphs
1. Kids' peer would benefit if kids chewed with their mouth closed.
2. It would be better for parents if kids chewed with their mouths closed.
3. It would be better for kids themselves if they chewed with their mouths closed.
I'm having a problem with choosing the right words. I don't really want to call the people 'kids,' because it's difficult when I'm talking about peers and kids at the same time because it's confusing to tell which is which. Help?
Emily - I think maybe you should change your second and third topic sentences. Maybe your second one can be "venomous animals are dangerous," and if they really are illegal, you could say "these animals are illegal, anyway" for your third topic sentence. That will probably give you a little bit more to talk about. Hope that helped!
ReplyDeleteThesis statement: If people developed tolerance of each other, world peace would advance, daily conflict would decrease and a sense of comfort and security would be created.
ReplyDeleteThree body paragraph topic sentences:
1. A tolerant world would generate world peace.
2. If the citizens of the world were tolerant, conflicts would be prevented in everyday life.
3. Tolerance would create a sense of comfort and security for citizens.
I’d like to collect some suggestions for supporting details for paragraph 1. I’m not sure if I should include real events or generalizations.
Matt: I think that your thesis is good, but to make it shorter, you could condense some words. Maybe instead of saying “Bullying being stopped,” you could say “Discontinuing bullying.” It cuts down on the words and it also makes the thesis sound more intellectual.
ReplyDeleteElise, even though your 4th topic sentence is true, I think your second topic sentence is better because it flows well with the other topic sentences. The second topic sentence also seems like a stronger topic, and it is one that could even include your fourth suggestion because second hand smoke is the smoke that pollutes.
ReplyDeleteIn your second body paragraph, you could mention how second hand smoke is more harmful to people around the smoker than smoking is to the smoker him/herself. If you already have this as one of your sentences, you could also mention that young children develop asthma from second hand smoke. I hope what I have suggested has helped you in some way.
My topic sentence is: We should be able to pick who we work with on group projects.
ReplyDeleteTopic Sentance for body paragraphs:
1) Students would get higher academic grades.
2)The project would come out better.
3)It would be fair to students.
One thing I think I’m struggling with is coming up with 3 supporting details for body paragraph 3, because I don’t think the details I picked are strong enough.
Body Paragraph 3 details
It's fair for students:
1)People who don’t do the work don’t get credit for your work.
2)You get the grade you deserve.
3)It’s fair, because you work with who you want.
Any suggestions on how I can make this better?
Julia-
ReplyDeleteI can see how that would be a hard topic, but if you are having trouble wording or coming up with details then I would change the topic; buy if you think you know what you are doing and feel confident in what you wrote then don't change the topic.
Michelle H.
Thesis: A 7-minute break between classes would benefit students not having to worry about making it on time to their next classes, teachers having time to refresh , and students having more time to get their things out of their lockers.
ReplyDelete1.If we had a 7-minute break between classes students wouldn't have to rush out of their classes.
2.If we had a 7-minute break between classes teachers would have time to refresh.
3.If we had a 7-minute break in between classes students could stop at their lockers to get their things and still have enough time to get to their next class on time.
Any suggestions???
Mychala, I agree with your topics but I think you should write some examples of how kids should behave better in school so the reader knows what your talking about.
ReplyDeleteThis is my re-do
ReplyDeleteThesis: We should have more than 3 minutes at our lockers.
Paragraph 1: Having more time at lockers would reduce stress for students.
Paragraph 2: Having more time at lockers would reduce stress for teachers.
Paragraph 3: Having more time at lockers would reduce stress for security guards.
The only difficult thing I have is coming up with differant paragraph starters instead of repeating what I started with my other paragraphs.
Payton, I don't think that you should say "we would have an extra day" as one of your body paragraphs. The reader can already infer that by reading your thesis. Maybe you should describe what students could do on this extra day. For example, "On this extra day students can study so they can improve their grades".
ReplyDeleteThesis: In Long Island, children and teens would be more satisfied in school if we bring phones to school.
ReplyDelete1. If we need to make an emergency call to our parents or guardian we would'nt have a problem.
2. If parents needed to contaact us they would be able to.
3. Having cell phones in school would be ideal for students because they can call a teacher or friend for help on homework and information.
My stuggle is making sure my body make sence and that it relates to the topic of each body paragraph. If anyone can give me a stradigy that would be very helpful to me.
Ally, I agree with you thesis I have the same thesis and I think you should put for the 2nd paragraph that its not fair that teachers are allowed to have there phones on and that will explain a little bit more.
ReplyDeleteThesis statement: Global warming is a threat to everyone and everything.
ReplyDeleteTopic sentence #1: Despite the efforts of governmental and commercial regulations, pollution has been increasing heavily over the years.
Topic sentence #2: Temperatures all over the world are steadily rising.
Topic sentence #3: A great number of species around the globe currently face extinction.
I have been having some difficulty deciding how to transition from one aspect of global warming's contributing factors to another. Since global warming is directly related to pollution, rising temperatures (climate change), and the demise of many living things, I need to find a way to seperate them, while at the same time keeping them connected with a meaningful and effective flow. Any ideas?
Fredy, I agree with you I can't stand homework either. I think your thesis statement it perfect. Your body paragraphs fit your thesis. I don't think you need to change anything I think its perfect.
ReplyDelete-Amanda Baron
Thesis: Children getting paid for doing chores would be ideal for kids, parents, and the kid's family.
ReplyDelete3 Body Paragraphs:
1. Children getting paid for doing chores would benifit kids for manny reasons.
2. Parents would also benefit for kids getting paid for doing chores.
3. The child's family would support children getting paid for manny reasonss.
I am struggling with writing my conclusion. At first i couldn't get my conclusion started but now that i have it i think it could be a little better as far as finding bigger words to replace others.
Jessica, I like your thesis but i think that when you start your body paragraphs you should try to use different words other then " One reason". Maybe you should use those words that ms.sills taught us friday.. They were therefor, furthermore, and moreover.
ReplyDeleteThesis: If wealthy kids were more sincere or responsible, it would really help kids, adults and poor parts of the world.
ReplyDelete1)Helping or being nice to less fortunate kids would make them feel safer and more willing to try at school
2)Sinc th ekids are happy and safe their parents,or other adults, wouldn't have to worry about the kids and perhaps save money.
3)If rich kids donated money to good causes, they would save endangered animals and much needed forests.
I think my three topic sentences are a bit too long. Should I shorten them, or they just fine?
Varitta(!), I think you should say"it would cause less stress" and, " It would help by adding more time to do homework and catch up on school work."
ReplyDeleteA small group of people might listen to their parents...:3
Thesis: No assigned seats would eliminate problems,be benificial to schools and buses plus it would be better for kids.
ReplyDelete3 topic sentences:
1. assigned seats can cause many problems.
2. we also have assingned seats on the bus.
3. no assigned would be benificial for kids
Amanda your first topic sentence doesn't match your thesis maybe you could say that being permitted to have your phone out would allow you to tell your teachers about lessons or that you'll be late to class. this would infact benifit teachers.
ReplyDeleteAmanda it sounds like your trying to bag more on teachers so its not really benefiting them at all .
ReplyDeletethesis-Clicks are bad for everyone because they
ReplyDeletehave different effects on all of us but there are ways to prevent and solve it.
1.Why its bad.
2.How it effects us.
3.what we can do to change it.
Thesis:There should be no homework from kindergarden to 12th grade.
ReplyDelete3 Body Paragraphs
1. More time to spend with family
2. More free time for students and teachers
3. More time to study for better grades
-Michael McKay
Mychala
ReplyDeleteOne way to know if your essay sounds right is when your done writing/reading the paragraph see if what you wrote corresponds with the topic sentence of the paragraph.
-Michael McKay
THESIS:NO HOMEWORK WOULD BENIFIT EVERY ONE AT RIVERHEAD MIDDLE SCHOOL.
ReplyDelete1. IT WOULD BE BETTER FOR STUDENTS IF WE HAD NO HOMEWORK.
2. IT WOULD BE BETTER FOR PARENTS IF WE HAD NO HOMEWORK.
3. IT WOULD BE BETTER FOR TEACHERS IF WE HAD NO HOMEWORK.
ONE PROBLEM I AM HAVING WITH WRITING MY ESSAY IS COMING UP WITH TOPIC SENTENCES.
COMMENT: SAL I THINK YOU SHOULKD GIVE MORE DETAIL FOR THE FIRST BODY PARAGRAPH BUT THE REST OF THEM ARE GOOD.
Thesis: Students should be aloud to have their cellphones in school
ReplyDelete3 Body Paragraphs:
1.Cellphones in school would benefit students
2.Cellphones in school would benefit parents
3.Cellphones in school would benefit teachers
I need help shortening my paragraphs, I think they might be to long but I write big and Im not sure because when I read it it doesnt sound wrong... does anyone know what I could do to figure this out?
Elise,
ReplyDeleteWhat you should do is change the 2nd paragraph to the 4th one because if you would search the topic on the Internet it would give you more information like maybe how you can change it.
Thesis: Using cell phones in school would benefit students, teachers, and parents.
ReplyDelete3 Body Paragraph Topics:
1. Students Can use cell phones for other purposes.
2. Teachers dont have to stop the class to take away cell phones.
3. Parents need to contact you.
The thing I am struggling with is I think my body paragraphs aren't strong enough.
Payton, your 3 body paragraphs dont fit in your thesis. It only explains about how it would benefit you only.
ReplyDeleteThesis- I believe that not having wars will benefit many people.
ReplyDeleteBody paragraphs-
1- People of America need the money.
2- the soldiers are nervous.
3- Families are devastated.
The thing I am struggling with is my conclusion is not strong enough.
I agree with bobby because homework interferes with our personal life. We already do a lot in school so why do a lot at home? We should definetly not have homework because we have a lot of other things in our life.
ReplyDeleteThesis: How more time inbetween classes could benifet Teachers, students, and parents.
ReplyDelete1. How more time could benifet students.
2. How more time could benifet teachers.
3. How more time could benifet parents.
I think I'am having the most difficult time trying to make sure my body paragraphs relate to my thesis.
Nicholas MIkelinich
Hey Amanda it's Nick maybe you could try re wordig some of your paragraph or rewriting your paragraphs so it could mach your thesis problem.
ReplyDeleteNicholas Mikelinich
Thesis: In America,women who carry children have the right to choose between the infants life and deaath.
ReplyDeleteBody paragraphs:
I.Children can even affect you.
II.It doesn't just hurt th people around you,but the baby too.
III.Baby's are fully developed by 6 months.
The thing i was struggling with up until just now was my third body paragraph.My first sentence was a question it took me up until now to figure out how to make it a statement.
Amanda, you said you wanted help making your body paragraphs stronger my suggestion is to think of what the "opposing team" would say.In your third body paragraph you said that parents may need to contact you. If I wee debating or arguing with you I would say they can call the school and have you speak with them.I'd be ready to hear you say something along the lines of you'd miss something important and respond with if your on your cell phone your still missing something important. So, you may want to change that statement and try to think of the other sides argument as well.
ReplyDeleteThesis: Animal abuse whether physical or mental is wrong, unfair, and cruel.
ReplyDeleteBody Paragraphs,
1. Animal abuse is cruel for many reasons.
2. Animal Abuse is unair!
3. Animal abuse is not all physical abuse its mental abuse too.
The thing i think i am struggling with are my three topic sentences for my body paragraphs.
John, i dont understand your three body paragraphs i think you should try to be more specific!
ReplyDeleteThesis: More minutes to get to class would be ideal for Students, Teachers, and Principals.
ReplyDelete1. Helps Teachers.
2. Reduces lateness.
3. Detention with the Principal.
I'm struggling with my body paragraphs. I just need them to be stronger. Everytime I write a paragraph, it sounds wrong.
Sarah Grassi
ReplyDeleteI agree with Sarah, that if we had longer time to get to class, we won't have to rush out of the class and rush to the next. I think that 7 minutes to get to class is too long. I think 5 minutes to get to class is enough time because if we had 7 minutes too many people would fool around in the hall.
Payton, your 3 body paragraphs dont fit in your thesis. It only explains about how it would benefit you only.
ReplyDelete-Tyhasiah Bell-
My thesis is being able to use cell phones in school would be more fair for students, we would be able to take out our phones, and it also would be ideal for parents.
ReplyDelete1.Being able to use your phone in school would be more fair for students.
2.Being able to use your phone durring times when you dont have work to do.
3.Having phones in school would be ideal for parents also.
If anybody thinks I can inprove on this please coment. I think I need a little help with my second thesis.
-Tyhasiah Bell-
Thesis: we shouldnt have any homework.
ReplyDelete1. it would be better if we had no homework.
2. it would benifit our parents.
3. parents barley know how much homework we have!!
i am having a problem with coming up with the topic sentence.
Thesis: A 5 minute bell period would be ideal for Teachers, Students, and Security guards.
ReplyDelete3 Body Paragraph Topics:
1. Teachers wont have to get mad and give out detentions.
2. Students don’t have to run in the hallways from class to class without being late.
3. Security Guards wont have to yell at so many kids for being late and they can relax.
The thing I’m struggling with is a transferring sentences.
Bobby you have to be more specific about how it would benefit the Students, Parents, and Teachers.
-Kaitlyn Berry:)
Thesis: As we get older school should start later instead of get tin earlier
ReplyDelete1. It would benefit parents.
2. It would benefit students.
3. It would benefit teachers.
Bobby I don't Get how having no home work would benefit parents. I think you should change it.
ReplyDeleteThesis: More people should go green to help the Earth, the society, and everyone!
ReplyDelete3 Body Paragraph Topics:
1. More people going green will result in helping the Earth.
2. More people going green helps the society.
3. More people going green helps everyone's life better in some way.
The thing I'm struggling with is getting my point across for each topic paragraph down in only a few sentences.
Amanda, your thesis is good but I dont think your topic sentences are as strong. You have to be openminded to who will be reading it, your 3rd topic sentence is: Your parent(s) might need to contact you. what if it is not a student reading it?
ReplyDeleteI'm just saying, otherwise it was good.
Fredy, In my opinion I think you should put after school sports because the sports may run late or you stay for extra help.
ReplyDelete1 Body Paragraph Topics:
ReplyDelete1.TEACHERS NOT GIVING HOMEWORK WILL BE GOOD.
2.WHY SHOULD WE HAVE HOMEWORK.
3.NOT HAVING HOMEWORK WOULD BE GOOD FOR PARENTS THE KIDS AND THE TEACHERS.
SARAH. I AGREE WIT YOU WE SHOOULD START SKOOL LATER.
ReplyDeleteThesis:More time between the bell.
ReplyDelete1.For tech/hcs the techers would have extra time to clean there tools.
2.Give students time to go to there locker or library
3.If you are getting dressed when the bell rings for gym you dont need to rush.
Megan I liked your thesis statement and body paragraphs im sure that would make a great statement between animal abuse
ReplyDelete