This week, you will have a choice in your response.
For those of you who expressed trouble with "show-don't-tell" in last week's blog, I'd like for you to add dialogue to your text. When you add dialogue, I think you'll find that it helps you recall either what else was said, or what else most likely was said, which will help you to continue in "show-don't-tell." Then, for your response here, write about your experience with adding dialogue and how it helped you and/or where you still feel blocked.
OR, if you feel like you have a section that you'd like to workshop (meaning, get feedback on for improvement), post as your response an excerpt from your personal narrative. Let others know where you feel that it's "not quite there" so that people can give you specific feedback and suggestions for your writing.
If you comment on someone's excerpt, make sure you tell them what you like about it (not just, "That was good.") and/or give them suggestions/strategies for improvement.
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When I first wrote my personal narrative I didn't have any dialogue, when I added dialogue I could see into the moment more and I could show and not tell what was haapening in that moment. It made the story more personal.
ReplyDeleteI'm having trouble thinking of what dialogue to write because I can't remember exactly what I said in that moment in my personal narrative.
I try to drop myself into the moment and think "if I was there right now what would I
say?"
~Michaela Sawaya
Yay! I'm the first one to comment on this blog!!
ReplyDelete<(^_^)>
When I was a kid my mom took me and my brother and sister to a pet shop to see what pet we wanted. When we got there, there was so many pets to choose from but when my mom asked them how much they were my mom said lets go. So we all got in the car slowly and it was a quiet ride back home.
ReplyDeleteI'm writing a personal narrative about how I got my dog. I feel like it needs a stronger lead but I'd like some feedback. Here it is:
ReplyDelete"Maybe, Amy, Maybe."said my Mom uncertainly. We were discussing whether or not to get the dog we had seen at the dog breeder's house. "Maybe" wasn't good enough for me, though. When parents say "Maybe," it usually means "Maybe not."
"Mom," I reasoned, "The breeder was nice, the dog's mother was well behaved, the house didn't smell doggy, it didn't remind me of a pet store, it didn't remind me of that other breeder's house, what more can we ask for?"
"You have a point." she sighed.
"Besides," I said, in desperation "I already named her. She's Molly."
Here's a little part of the personal narrative I started today. "You will catch a cold" they would say as you pulled on your pink boots that were a little to small for you but you wouldn't give them up for the world and after you had on your pink coat that squeaked when you moved your arms you would go outside. A pink blob in the center of the things that the rain transformed into depressing colors but it all seemed happy through the eyes of a toddler.
ReplyDeletejust checking to see if I'm signed in - having trouble.
ReplyDeleteTodd Brewer
In my personal narrative, I didn't add dialogue because I couldn't remember a lot of dialogue so I thought it would be better to not put any at all. But Ms. Sills told me to add what I did remember, and to see if that brought back any other memories of what was said. So I tried it and it totally worked! When I put in the dialogue of one person, I remembered another person's response! You guys should try it if you have the same problem as me.
ReplyDeleteThis is an excerpt from my personal narrative:
ReplyDelete"Aw, there so cute." I wanted to take all of them home,but we were only getting one. It was hard to choose which one. In the end my mom picked the tiny maltese that walked right up to her.
How do you think I can improve this?
Amanda Baron
One fall chilly morning as we rode in the car , I spotted a sign . "Puppies for sale" it said. My dad switches the gear and pulls up to a big white house.I thought I went crazy ,all I could hear were barks from all over.
ReplyDeleteDialogue helped me in my writing because it made my story sound real, like a real book. Not just like a run on sentence. When I added dialogue my story wasn't so exciting,I felt like I didn't have any climax without it.
ReplyDeleteIn the past i have added dialogue in many of my stories. I know how to add it into a story, i know that whenever a new person speaks that you have to start a new paragraph and all of that.
ReplyDeleteSome things that im having trouble with in adding dialogue is exactly where to add it and im having trouble remembering what might have been said. I dont necessarily know when its a good time to put all the dialogue in.
The people in period 1 already recognise this story, but I made a lot of mistakes, so just tell me what I did wrong, okay??
ReplyDeleteP.S.- I edited this, so it's a little different.
A little boy stared at me obnoctiously. I threw my golf club into the little blue house, my hair soaking wet. Mary and Lucas scrambled under a tree, though it hardly beared any protection from the rigerous wind and rain. "Man, Lucas. How awesome to have the weather turn against you." I screeched.
"Screw the weather, man!" Lucas replied.
"Says you..." Mary murmured.
Amanda, i think you can improve your short story by adding more dialogue. If you and your mom were arguing on what dog to get you should add that to your story. Also add some detail like what color was the maltese and what were some of its features.
ReplyDeletewhen I add dialogue in my story it helps me express my feelings, dialogue has helped me with writting many times becaues with out it I couldn't express my characters feelings like if they are sad, happy, scared etc....
ReplyDeleteNicholas Mikelinich
Hey Amy it is Nick M that was a great story i really felt like I was in your story and I can relate to your story because i have fought with my parents to get a dog but I didn't win the fight
ReplyDeleteNicholas Mikelinich
When I added dialogue to my narrative it felt like I was really in the moment. It gave the reader a real detailed essay about that moment. It really felt like I dropped myself in that moment.
ReplyDeleteFreddy, I like the way you use details and it describes the exact moment. But you could use a little more dialogue to describe how you felt at that moment. Good job!
ReplyDeleteShannon-- I have a simalar problem and I think I'll try that.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kaitlyn that dialogue makes the story more exciting and it seems like a story. I think adding it makes it seem like there's real characters in it and it's not just boring writing.
~Michaela Sawaya ♥
Sorry Ms.Sills, I meant to say my story was more exciting when i used dialogue.
ReplyDeletePlease give me feed-back on this except of my personal narrative:
ReplyDelete"A thundering roar sounded above my head, followed by a scream and an annoying splatter of water, like ice crystals on my skin. Our legs hurt from squishing into the slippery wet wood. We used all our strength to lift the giant green blob up another stair. "How much long--" Iwas cut of by another roar, then a scream then the dreaded arctic spray.The sun was like a frying pan in the sky, making steam from the drops of water..."
xKiMix888, I like the idea of your story, I can picture myself as a toddler when I read it. But its kind of a long sentence.
~Michaela Sawaya
~Michaela Sawaya
Today I worked on trying to insert dialoge in one of my personal narratives. Ms.Sills was right it makes the story more exciting and sound real. Here's part pf want i worked on today: "vicky...Uh say good-bye to Missy."GULP.I stared at my mom in disbelief. "What?!" Most second-graderswouldn't understand. But I did, Iknew. My mom was trying to tell me that today was the day that our Chihuahua Missy was gonna be put to sleep.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first wrote the draft for my story. I didnt use dialoge I wasn't even thinking about diolouge. I was writing the story rushing trying to get to the main point. I wrote as if I were writing what happend not a detailed movie. When I saw the teaching point and I wrote my second and third draft I made a bigger diffrence I didnt feel rushed I felt as if I were waching the movie for the first time.
ReplyDelete-TeAndra Jenkins
Shannon, I think when you put dialogue in it makes the story a little more interesting. I didn't put dialogue in either at first, then I did and I see that it made my story a little more interesting.
ReplyDeleteAmanda Baron
Amanda maybe you can improve this expert by showing not telling. Like she picked the tiny malest maybe you can use another word for tiny like the miniature maleste or the petite maleste. You also can do the same thing with the word walked, like when you said your mom picked the one that walked right up to her you can say your mom picked the one that steped right up to her or that marched right up to her. So the reader can tell the the dog walked to your mom.
ReplyDelete-TeAndra Jenkins
Here is a small portion of my personal narrative-
ReplyDeleteI woke up shivering and pulled my blankets up over my shoulders. I refused to get up but the smell of breakfast lured me out of bed. I pulled on my robe and slippers and let my nose guide me. "Good Morning Kelly!" I say, and she hands me a plate of steaming food I couldn't wait to eat.
Wow Kim, That was a really descriptive portion of your personal narrative. I relate to that because I used to have a enormous big pink down coat and my mom used to dress me ridiculously with all of the winter things so I wouldn't catch a cold when I played in the snow.
ReplyDeleteI am posting two different excerpts from two completely different stories. I need your help. I can't figure out which story is more interesting to you as a reader.
ReplyDeleteIdea One
As we pushed our way through the revolving doors the smell of french fries and burgers wafted into the air and our noses. It was St. Patrick's Day in New York City and I felt like the only one in the world not wearing green.
I could see my breath as I shivered in my jacket looking out the second floor window at the McDonalds arch covered in snow. My mom came back with the food and I was just about to eat my first fry when I heard... "This is a hold up! No one move, or say anything." I felt my heart skip a beat and I saw a horrified look on my mom's face. Everyone in the restaurant turned to stare at the man standing up with an object protruding from his jacket pocket.
Idea two
Just as the movie started to get interesting the words "Ray...he collapsed!" echoed throughout the movie theater. There is no-one named Ray in this movie I thought to myself. Suddenly, I realized what had just happened. A man named Ray had just passed out two rows ahead of me. I felt like I had jumped into a pool of fear. My heart was thumping like crazy. The lights illuminated the theater as paramedics rushed in carrying a stretcher.
Please let me know which idea makes for a better story?
This is part of my personal narrative -
ReplyDeleteWhen my grandfather drove up to the pier and I saw this great big ship I was like " wow i am going to spend a whole week on vacation on there!" The cruise ship was really big, had lots of lights on it and there were a lot of windows. I was very excited and couldn't wait to get up to our cabin. We had to wait to board the ship which made the time pass slowly.
hfredy56, I really liked the beginning to your narrative. The words "fall chilly morning" are very descriptive. I also can't wait to hear if you got a puppy or not.
ReplyDeleteI think you can make this story more interesting by adding a location and describing your feelings towards getting a dog before you spotted the sign. You could descibe how important a dog is to you and why you went crazy when you entered the big white house.
"The fence is to far" i told my dad. "No it's not i hit it that far when I was your age" "Bam" The tennis ball flew over the fence."That was the best swing i had all day"
ReplyDelete-Nicky Herzog-
Amanda i like your exerp because i think that they are cute and i liked how you said you wanted to take all of them home.
ReplyDeleteIn my personal narrative I put-
ReplyDelete"It looked like something out of a movie."
Does you understand what i mean
Sarah Nine
If you have trouble with dialogue just do what Shannon said because it does work just think what one person said and the rest should come easy.
ReplyDeletei agree with teandra...when i first started my narritive i wasnt evan thinking about it...i dont even know i i knew whut it was. i have trouble remembering what the person im adding dialouge to actually said so im often forced to add "FAKE" dialouge
ReplyDeleteHey, it's Bobby.
ReplyDeleteHi, it's Jaason.
ReplyDeleteHi, it's Jeremy J.
ReplyDeleteLast week I said that I was having trouble with show don't tell. This week I added a lot of dialogue and took out a lot of stuff realizing it either made no sense or I could improve it. I think that since I did this I have greatly improved my story and I don't think I will be blocked again for a while.
ReplyDeleteMichael- I find it was really sad that once your mom found out how much money the puppys were she told you that they had to leave and that they were way to expensive. I liked how you did the show don't tell also. I think that you did it very well in the part about the dogs being too expensive.
ReplyDeleteAmy--
ReplyDeleteI like your story cause I want to find out what happens and if you get the puppy. What's good about it is that you used lots of dialogue. I think it will help if you add details of what it felt like and what was going on at that time.
Noah--
ReplyDeleteI like both your stories because thy're very capturing and I want to find out what happens. I like the first one better because it has more details and description. The second one is good because I want to find out what happened to that guy
~Michaela Sawaya
Ms.Sills, the dialogue stategy helped me so much! Before we learned it, I was stumped on how to use "Show Don't Tell". But once we learned the dialogue stategy, I knew how to write stories better using the "Show Don't Tell". THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteKenny good idea I think that I am also going to try to do that because I know that my text also needs dialog in it.I am going to try to drop myself into the story.Good idea
ReplyDeleteWhen I wrote in my personal narrative I thought I was writing a lot, but I didn't have a dialogue or a show/don't tell. I'm writing about how I got my 2 dogs for Christmas. I'm trying to add more dialogue and more show/don't tell moments so that the reader can see the moments better and feel how excited and surprised I was when I got them.
ReplyDelete-Britney Nappe
When i first started my personal naritive i didn't add that much dialog. Like such as the doppping your self into the story...like ms.sills said.. but i can't seem to rememeber what were most of things things because it was so long about, what i wrote about.
ReplyDeletehey kenny i agree with you about, when you put more dialogue into the story it makes you feel like your really there, its just that i dont know where to put mine into!!!
ReplyDeletehfredy56 said...
ReplyDeleteOne fall chilly morning as we rode in the car , I spotted a sign . "Puppies for sale" it said. My dad switches the gear and pulls up to a big white house.I thought I went crazy ,all I could hear were barks from all over.
Thatss reallly good. But maybe you can improve it for more of the show dont tell part like I herd the sound of them over from all over. Or maybe I herd them howl.
Noah,
ReplyDeleteThe story that I think is better is ( idea 2). It caught my interest because someone passing out randomly would kind of be scary especially in a movie theater. Your story had very good details describing the movie theater and I felt like I was there. I could actually see the paramedics running in and could feel my heart sinking!!
Michaela - Wow! I really liked that excerpt from your story! I think you did a really great job at showing not telling. I also like how you used lots of detail. For example, saying that the sun "was like a frying pan in the sky" instead of saying "it was hot." That little piece of your story really helped me, because another thing I struggled with was showing not telling, so thanks!
ReplyDeleteiitskaylaax0 - That piece of your story was really good, but I think your story would be more interesting if you showed instead of told. For example, instead of saying "the cruise ship was really big and had lots of lights," you could say: "the ship was massive, with twinkling rays all over it."
ReplyDeletethis is a short clip of my personal narrative-
ReplyDeletehe placed the neon shirt into my hands and said " here you go". my black and white converses squeaked as i turned around. I placed the shirt on to my desk as my eyes wonder the room. spotting something in my sight
how can i put more " show don't" tell into this piece. Julia spanburgh
i also wonder if i could maybe add some dialouge into it.
ReplyDeleteJulia spanburgh
Kaity that was really good i liked how you put so much detail into yours also Kim's that was amazing how you describe the experience it felt like i was there with you and i also had a mental picture going through my mind.
ReplyDeletexKiMix888 I think you should put a little more "show don't tell" in your story but I think that you did a good job with the dialouge.
ReplyDeleteMichael Urban
Im writing a personal naritve about my brother braking his wrist:(. I have truble with telling the expresions on faces. I dont know how to discribe them.
ReplyDeleteMichhelleex5,
When i first started I also had truble droping myself into the scene. I couldnt remember what was happing at that time. But just I just tryed my hardest to try to remember what happend at that time.
-Kaitlyn Berry:)
its hard for me to put dialogue in mine but when i did it helped.
ReplyDeleteA part from my story is :
ReplyDeleteI said "why am I such an idiot" as I smacked my head.
tell me if you thank thats good?
dialogue really helped me a lot with my personal narrative especially " Show Don't Tell." The first time i started to write my show don't tell, i was stuck and it was hard for me. But now it's easier with dialogue for me.
ReplyDeleteJulia i like the small part of your personal narrative that you wrote. It is very good. I think you should add some dialogue into it maybe that would be helpful with your show don't tell because that what i did and it works for me.
This is a part of my personal narrative-
ReplyDeleteWhen my family pulled up to the Hershey Hotel in our car "I was like wow i'm staying there for my vacation."
Here is an excerpt from my personal narrative. Tell me what you think of it as a reader...
ReplyDeleteThe smell of hot rubber burned my nostrils and lights flooded the track.
"There they go...!" sounded the announcer, as roaring engines and screams of fans encased me. The cars sped around and aroud in the short circular track. They were moving at speeds I thought were impossible, and red sparks danced as the rear fenders of the cars scraped against the track.
Amy - I think your story was fantastic. But instead of saying "we were arguing about getting a dog," you could show not tell. Hope that helps!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. I forgot to include in my previous post where I thought I needed improvement. This is a scene from my personal narrative when my grandparents took me to the Riverhead Raceway (this is not my opening scene, it is just a description). Can someone tell me if you can get a clear visual of the setting? Do you feel like your standing there watching this, or does it need something more?
ReplyDeleteKenny, I also felt like I was in the moment. As I was reading my personal narrative, I felt like the story almost "came to life."
ReplyDeleteNoah, I think your first idea is very interesting, and I am already eager to know more. I like how you gave the reader a strong description of the setting. I have tried to do the same in my piece. As I was reading, I could really visualize it. Might I suggest some personification, like: "the overwhelming aroma of burgers and fries assaulted my senses." It's just a thought, but your piece is already great!
ReplyDeleteI need some feed back on my personal narative:
ReplyDeleteThats when I start to sprint . I run faster and faster untill I'm flying on the ground. I feel the hot sticky sweat dripping down my neck, but it feels good this time. I go further and further, starting to see the blue water from the corner of my eye. I turn around to my mom and she smiles.
"You did it!"
- Elise Littlefield
Amy, I like your personal narritive , however, I think you should add more details about the setting and your surroundings. I also would want to know more about how you felt. I did not fully understand this part, and maybe you can word it differently:
ReplyDeleteit didn't remind me of a pet store, it didn't remind me of that other breeder's house, what more can we ask for?"
Also can you please explain how cute molly is because she is the cutest dog I know!
- Elise Littlefield
Noah, I like the narrative about the McDonalds hold up in the city better then the collapsing guy in the movie theater. It's more exciting. I can't wait to see what happens next. The dialouge is very good.
ReplyDeletewhen i frist started to write my personal narrative it was not that hard but when i had to add dialogue it was hard for me. but i have to learn how to do that.
ReplyDeletedeandre king
I think with adding the dialouge it helped me write the moment out better, and really zoom in on the moment, I think I still have trouble with the "Show Don't Tell" sometimes though.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Amy Methven because if you have more detail people can fell what your going through in that moment in time. Even though I like dialouge I just think that dialouge doen't make a book, but detials do.
ReplyDeleteI am going to write a little part about my first baseball game. I stepped onto the field in my cleats. With a bat in one hand walking up on the batter's box. My heart racing, I don't care if I hit the ball or not. I just wanted to get it over with. The first pitch comes. -Daren
ReplyDeleteNoah, I thought that the McDonalds story was cool and I was wondering if that story was true or not? During class can you finish the story? -Daren
ReplyDeleteFor those of you who expressed trouble with "show-don't-tell" in last week's blog, I'd like for you to add dialogue to your text. When you add dialogue, I think you'll find that it helps you recall either what else was said, or what else most likely was said, which will help you to continue in "show-don't-tell." Then, for your response here, write about your experience with adding dialogue and how it helped you and/or where you still feel blocked.
ReplyDeleteWell for me "show dont tell" is kind of easy I still have problems sometimes but I reread it and I find out which parts I need to make a show
not a tell,I get blocked sometimes of thinking of dialoge when there is none in that moment, so I kind of change it but nothing major to make it different.I have no section of my writing that I think that needs improvement.
Commenting On Other People's Answers:
Noah, I like both of the parts/sections you wrote from 2 of your personal narratives, they were REALLY good,keep on writing like that,its very descriptive. The part that I liked was the one when you were in the movie theather when that man collapsed,I liked it that you wrote what you were hearing,and you wrote the things that were happening around you and how you were very descriptive with that section/part ,just that ONE part I knew what was going on.Keep on writing!
-Nicole Pieta
Hi, it's me! For some reason I am better when I'm working on a fictionaln story. To me it is hard not to tell a story. Can anybody help?
ReplyDeleteHi, this is what I wrote."The ball flew through the air." Does anybody know what to write next?
ReplyDeleteWhen I first wrote my narrative it had slight dialogue. Now that i'm adding my description to it you could visualize it more easily. In my experience there wasn't much said just a ton of tears shed. If your in class with me and my excerpts make no sense to you its because it was when my Nana passed away. I lived with her for 4 years so it was an important part of my life when she passed. Sad but memorable and important.
ReplyDeleteHey Amanda Baron. Instead of saying the one the walked up to her maybe a more desccriptive word would be sauntered up to you mother. Like "hey you, you see me? I'm the one you wan't pick me." and maybe you could describe if you were exited about the Maltese or if you wished she'd picked a different one. good luck and nice excerpt.=)
Heres a beginning excerpt of my story:
ReplyDeleteI walked into my older sisters room, following right behind my mom. As soon as she stepped in she rushed in through towards her bed. She bent down to give her a big hug and kiss. I lingered back by the door, and stepped in, queitly closing the door behind me.
My sisters name was Deysi she had given birth a couple of days before and she was 28 years old.
: and thats it! Im not sure if I shouldve introduced my big sis earlier or if,it doesnt confuse you guys,I sould leave it like it is. Give me a comment or something if you want to.
PEACE,
-Ashley Calle
Oh Noah, I think youve had a lot intruiging things happen in your life, but I think you should go with your first idea, it seems so much cooler than that guy Ray callopsing in the theater, especially if its about you because its gonna be a narrative writing. Plus hold ups are scarier,(to others,not me),because sometimes someone ends up getting shot.
ReplyDeletePEACE,
-Ashley Calle
P.S: Do we always have to sign our names on the bottom? Even if our names are seen?
When I first started my personal narrative i was only telling not showing and I didnt know the difference between them.But when I talked to Ms. Sills about it she explained the differences to me and I understood them. Now almost all of my story is showing and half of the story is dialogue.
ReplyDeleteNoah, I think your story about someone passing out in the movie theater is the one that u should write about. You show a very good description of it. I felt like I was there watching it happened
ReplyDeleteJohn, Yes I do feel like I am standing at the raceway watching the race. To improve it you should have described your feelings. Were you screaming or shouting for a car to win.
ReplyDelete-Michael McKay
dialogue-when ever I try to use dialogue it dose not sound good at all, can someone help.
ReplyDeleteElise, even though I didn't know exactly where you where in the story I got really excited just by reading it. If you don't mention where you are somewhere in the story though I think the reader might get a little confused. But I could picture you pushing yourself to run faster, and reading those few sentances made me want to read the rest of your story.
ReplyDeleteJohn, I like your suggestion. I think I am going to use it in my narrative. Thanks!!
ReplyDeleteDialogue helps SO much my fist story i only had like one piece of dialogue and then I wrote it again and i was very amazed at how good it came out. When you add dialogue it makes a very big difference. When i went and really thought about that moment I could remember all of the dialogue from that moment and it was a long time ago.
ReplyDelete-Heather O'Connor
Amy i love how you used so much dialogue. In the story it really shows that you want the dog. When you use the dialogue it shows how you are feeling about getting the dog and it doesnt show it. Good job so far.
ReplyDelete-Heather O'Connor
Here is an excerpt from my personal narrative. Tell me what you think of it as a reader.
ReplyDeleteIt was a Saturday afternoon and my Dad,Uncle and myself were driving like maniacs to get to the dock before the boat departs. My Uncle was driving and everytime someone slowed him down he would say move it or lose it #@%*. When we got there at 5:00 we sat there till 6:00 till anyone else got there.
Is there anyway I can improve it.
-Michael McKay
When adding diolouge it helped cause my story didn't sound like I slideshow. But I also need help to add details cause I don't think that people feel like there in the moment with my story so far.
ReplyDeleteThe dialouge has really helped me because it puts me in the moment more. When I add dialouge it makes it much easier to show not tell. It makes it easier because i remember more about the idea.
ReplyDeleteNoah I think your second idea would be better because you used alot of detail. It also allowed me to really get into the story I felt like I was there.
ReplyDeleteIm trying to put more dialoge in my story but like shannon i couldn't remember everything. It was sort of a blur becuase i was writing about when i was in second grade. But like shannon said it really helped i felt after i remember one little thing i like jogged my memory. Now i added a little more dialoge and i think it made the story liven up and it was like a movie in my mind. Thanks shannon! : ] - victoria Carroll
ReplyDeleteNoah- both your ideas are great for stories. I think they would both turn into thrilling and intense narratives by what i saw. I think you should just go with the one you like the best.
ReplyDelete- victoria Carroll
Michael McKay. i think that you dont have to say you were driving like manias just show how you were - Nicholas Duarte
ReplyDeleteHere is a example from my personal narrative..
ReplyDeleteThe plane landed at St.Thomas first, we stayed there for a couple of days. Then for a long drive in the car, to St. Johns. This was that last trip I took with my dad. I didn't know at the time that it'd be the last ; But the next week he has pasted away.
Is there anyway i can improve this ?
- Nicholas Duarte
testing
ReplyDeleteI think I need to fix up the begining of my narrative.
ReplyDeleteAs the blistering heat of the fireball in the sky beamed down on us, persperation ran down our bodies like waterfalls. The beach was only one more mile away. Riding our bikes as fast as we could, only made it even warmer.
-Anthony Smith
Hey Anthony - I saw your posts (along with posts from others, too). It's working, I just don't publish it until I have a chance to grade it, so it will be up tomorrow morning. Please finish your homework on the Grammar blog, too!
ReplyDeleteMike, I think you can improve by using dialogue and writing out some of the thoughts that were going through your mind.
ReplyDelete-Anthony Smith
here is an example of my personal narritive ; we arrive at Boomers we see the kids screaming on the roller coster the smell of gasoline from the little go carts . we walk inside it looked like a carnivle. we see a line at the carousel we all thought ohh thats a baby ride .and so we thought we will go to the go carts i was kinda scared cause i was finnaly tall enough to drive by myself and i was my firtst time so i was deintley scared : i think i can not give out so much information - claudia rupp
ReplyDeletei was close to my dad when he died in front of me i couldnt do anything i was in shock and scared half to death
ReplyDeletei didnt
--danny
Hey, It's Emily again! Tell me if this part of my story seems good, cause I think it needs some improvement.
ReplyDeleteI stared down, grimacing at how high up we were.
"C'mon, Em! Didn't you jump off of Angel clifs?" Mary cried, pushing John into the rapid pool of water.
"Hah! pay attention next time!"
"Yah, but that was BUNGEE jumping, not suicide." I exclaimed.
Mary grabbed my waist and threw me down the slide. I wanted to scream, but the adrenaline rushed through me so fast it was like the speed of the water.
"Hey, Cuz! You did it!" I shivered as John lifted me onto his shoulders. I grasped his black, moist hair, shaking violently and trying not to vomit.
"Never... ask me... to do that... again..."
John smiled, his face delicately proportioned.
So, what did you think? Good? Bad? Tell me! And guess what! IT'S STILL NOT OVER!!! XD
John, your P.N. really made me feel like I was at the racetrack ( Even thogh I've never been to a race in my LIFE, I've still seen it.) Your discriptions are awesome! I can't remember even MYSELF writing that good. Keep going, and there's still room for improvement!
ReplyDelete-Emily Green/ Artemis Luna =D
e show-dont-tell is pretty hard because i really dont express my feelings that much but i tried and it worked.I expressed the feeling in the story,the place,and the way it happened.
ReplyDeletejessica cheatom
Doing show dont tell is a little hard. And im just starting to get the hang of it. But now that im using it in my writing its really making my writing less boring. Especaily in my personal narratives.
ReplyDeleteMostep - I don't know who you are, so make sure you sign your name! And YOU'RE IN THE WRONG BLOG! This post isn't this week's homework; this week's homework is in Read Aloud and Independent Readers. Please do the right assignment so you can get a good grade!
ReplyDeleteHey, I got a new idea. PLEASE COMMENT BACK!!!
ReplyDeleteThe sweat drops stabbed my head. "What? We have to do WHAT???" I cried. John lunged out, fire in his eyes. He slashed the board in half with one quick lash of his hand. "Impressive, ROOKIE. Now you, GIRLY ROOKIE", Chris motioned to me and looked through my soul with his I-don't-care-if-you're-a-girl look. My cheeks flared up and I started to scream. "KAYAHHHH!!!" I cried, feeling the splinters of wood shatter beneath my fingers. I got up suddenly and threw a random smile at Chris. "Thank you, sensei. I will now retire to my chair and wait for my lunkhead cousin to earn his Yellow Belt." I yawned, falling into a chair at the other side of the room.
Almost ten seconds later, John had a crisp Yellow Belt in his course fingers. I shivered. Man, is that all? I thought as I ran up the doujang stairs. It was brutal, though I had to admit I had a little fun.
"Yes!! We did it!! We did it, John!" I announced.
"Can we play cards? I'm kinda bored..."
"No, John. All you're gonna do is make me play poker until my head throbs."
"Yup. How'ja know?" John asked, almost quizzing me.
"Cause you do it every Thursday."
We smiled at each other and walked all the way home from Calverton.
So? Claudia, Erik, John. I'm not trying to point any fingers, but you guys are my friends, right? SO GIVE ME FEEDBACK!!! Please???
<(>.<)>
this is an exerp from my story tell me what you think and what i could improve....
ReplyDeleteas the strange white speckled brown dog lay on the ground crying i noticed gashes in her lip and nose...she was so skinny it seemed her eyes were poppin out of her head
Todd
Todd-That excerpt put me in tears...That would scar me for life if I was actually there.I've seen my share of animal mishaps on TV only, but never in real life.
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